Magic: the Gathering Retold!

The Dark, Pt 4:

In our last “adventure,” Jodah has been robbed blind of his possessions and his purpose. Much like a high school graduate with no plans, he signs up for the easiest job within reach. Much unlike a high school graduate with no plans, this involves the Gheddian army instead of the Taco Bell.

As far as jobs go, this one isn’t bad. You work outside, the pay’s decent, the food’s hot, you get a place to sleep, and in peacetime the army is just for show. The only way Jodah could get into trouble was if war were declared.

The Dark, Pt. 3: Questionably Competent Tyranny

This is Jodah. He’s holding his magic “mirror.”

This is one of the only two pictures you can find of him on the internet, so take a good long look. Well, wait, that’s not entirely true, I can usually find some unofficial art by the real M:tG artists on deviantArt if I search, hang on…

100 Follower Celebration!

Follow me to after the Read More break—

The Dark, Pt. 2: Jodah’s Venge

It has been 413 years since Urza and Mishra were born, which coincidentally is the date of 413 AR. An odd time to start your calendar on, to be sure. Shows how terrible the Dark Age was when your Christ equivalents were the Keystone Krafters. You definitely want to die before this Second Coming.

And on this year, a baby is born to a noble family, and named Jodah. A cursory search will reveal to you that is he is mentioned exactly once within M:tG’s card library, and ergo he must be a deeply ancillary character.

The Dark, Pt. 1: Going Out With a Bang, then a Whimper

It has been roughly 400 years since the end of the Brothers’ War.

In his final moments, Urza had rediscovered the ancient art of magic and used it to blow up everyone and everything he ever knew or loved (well, it was Urza, so more like “appreciated or harbored no ill feelings toward”). The continent of Terisiare had already been parched and split by years of towering grotesque machinery, with natural life receding to a handful of bitter elfy havens. So when the enormous shockwave scoured the landscape, the best way of putting the resulting events is It Got Worse.

Ice Age, Pt. 3: Shard of the Twelve Worlds-Con

It has been several thousand years since we saw the last of Urza, Mishra, and those lovable atrocities, the Phyrexians. Three thousand, four, five, whatever. The Brothers Shitty are remembered in legends and stories as planeswalkers that scarred the earth in a supernatural war that outstripped natural disasters.

Those historians did a good job. The only error is that bit about them being planeswalkers, but can you blame them? However, nobody remembers the Phyrexians. Phyrexia itself has surely been destabilizing for the past millenia, and Yawgmoth wouldn’t sit idly by. That’s right, it’s time for…

The Story of Phyrexia, Pt. 6: We Are Going to Plow the Shit Out of Everything

Ice Age, Pt. 2: Rise, Unhallowed Corpse, And Shovel My Walk

I haven’t demonstrated, but from the general air of this blog one could intuit that planeswalkers are kind of these tremendous jerkbutts. And when it comes to being these tremendous jerkbutts, nobody is better at it than two in particular: Leshrac and Tevesh Szat.

Before we explain why these two are permission decks with no win condition, observe the following:

Early Magic put anagrams in everything, and it really devalues their unstoppable forces of ancient evil when they rearrange into names that belong to 90 year olds who enjoy boating with a sensible hat.

50 Subscriber “Celebration!”

As of this post I may be at 55 subs, but THAT MATTERS NOT. Considering the relative importance of this milestone, the celebration is small. I went back to the earliest posts and added pictures, fixed the alt texts for all of the images (you can mouseover the images now for FUNNY* JOKES**), cleaned up the formatting, and best of all, added links to the bottom of each post that go to the next and previous installment.

Congratulations to lakidaa, who was our 50th subscriber! Get back to me (or rather, I’ll message you, unless I forget, which I might) once the Ice Age storyline is done, and you can choose the next story out of a couple of options. I’d like to offer the entire selection, but a lot of them need knowledge of previous happenings.

I’m like Santa Claus, but with a sense of perspective!

*are not guaranteed to be funny

**are not guaranteed to be jokes

Ice Age: Shit Be Frozen

So, that thing that happened with the Golgothian Sylex.

That was really bad for the environment. No, I don’t mean Argoth. I mean, YES, Argoth is now a fine layer of dust over the rest of the continent, but we’re more concerned about what Argoth did to the environment. I’ll prepare some slides.

This is Teriasiare before the destruction of Argoth.

The Brothers’ War, Epilogue

If you remember our last installment, Urza went and blew up everything.